Beyond Fear

Beyond Fear
Lies Victory;
It is not my queer
to ask- what lies beyond.
Only thing i know- I am here.
Not to ask-why I ventured there.
It is only a liar who says- he is not afraid.
I for one will admit-
it makes me sweat with fear,
it makes my heart pound faster,
it makes me question my sanity.
Still I prod forward...
It is only the sweet smell of victory that beckons...
Because beyond fear lies victory.

-- From the pages of an old diary.

We always perceive a situation as difficult or challenging. That creates fear- is it doable or not? What happens if I fail?
What happens if people reject me? what if everything goes wrong.
Actually sometimes and someday- everything is set up to pull you down. It often happens - I am not ready for a meeting, the numbers are low, I did work for the program but it did not come out as I expected. Now the test with fire- and you tend to pray. but then the interaction goes just fine. People come to middle path and give agreement. In retrospect- those anxious moments seems so funny.
This happens with many- before exam, before a particular work- a phobia sets in. But if you have put your heart and mind into it, really worked for it- the result does come out just fine.

Efforts will yield result and will help to tide over the anxious moments. When we focus not on what others will say and do it just for the work itself- the results will be in favour of us.

So we need to focus on the means.. the end will take care of itself. When you are really scared of something, in reality its actually works out to be very simple.
N.B:- This blog entry and previous one was triggered by two simple questions. Thanks for helping me ponder. Thanks for inspiration.

Finagle's law of dynamic negatives

Finagle's law of dynamic negatives ,a.k.a corollary of Murphy's law- "Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment."

We are in rush-- in this world of instant gratification. There is no time to smell the flower, stop and wonder at the sunrise. See the beauty and marvel at this so precious life. and we get late.....
Typically we are not a nation of punctual personalities, but we try a lot.
I remember a time- when I was rushing to a business review meeting and due to one of my colleague- got late. not only that his car broke down. The meeting was scheduled @9am and we were stuck somewhere 500 mtrs from the building. It was Pune, the area an upmarket one, and we never expected delay-- lest we factored any of the mishaps. so we were 30 minutes late. The supplier boss- who was known for his punctuality told me- that we wasted 10 people 15 minutes and hence that is 150 minutes waste. further he calculated that as- worth $1M of business. The shameless avatar of mine got into overdrive- which smiled and accepted everything and proceeded with the business. the numbers were good, the results were good and focus was on what to do next and my delay was forgotten. After 3 weeks similar meeting was slated in Delhi and this time- he got in traffic and it was my turn to remind me that he got delayed 30 minutes and it cancels out the earlier debt. The ensuing  laughter was heard throughout the building.
But that veteran quoted Finagle's law of dynamic negatives.... Thanks Arun Sir...I will remain indebted to gurus like you forever.

Some time ago- one of my friend commented when in rush- and in traffic- the lateness is amplified. In full filmy style-- the statement was " Jab tum late hote ho, puri kayanath koshish karti hain tumhe aur late karane ki"... But Life goes on. when such things happen- we tend to do mistake. It is better to control our emotions and check for our sanity. Maid informs at last moment - not coming, kid says- this was required and now. all push and pull ... no time to breathe. but that is the time to smile. Because energy is contained by smile and positive vibes comes through. That positive vibes tends to rub of the nearby surroundings and accelerates the good things. when that happens- the zigsaw puzzle pieces just fall in place.
Next time when you are tensed being late and everything seems to be going against you. just take deep breath, smile at the adversity and walk on

By the way----- double corollary of --" Jab tum late hote ho, puri kayanath koshish karti hain tumhe aur late karane ki" is my favourite dialog of SRK-"Kehte hain agar kisi cheez ko agar dil se chaho to saari kayanath tumhe usse milane ki koshish me lag jaati hai"

so May be we just need to do things according to law of attraction and leave the rest to destiny.
We are never late in life...

Some waiting are forever

I get uncomfortable when people wait for me. Like if someone waiting for me in railway station, airport or bus station to receive me. I have been out of my home since very young age-- but every time when there was time to return- I used to tell my parents not to come. This behaviour continues to this date. Later- when there was more luxury at offer-I will not take those privileges(still I deny!!). But it is not true that I donot like it.... It is simple equation- that the love that you show when you wait to receive someone is very powerful.
Somehow it has got in my mind that - such unconditional love is not  for me. It is not possible for someone, who can love me so much. So why the prepension?However I take it on me to receive anyone and everyone. I love to go out of way to receive, make people comfortable and feel wanted.I have trained myself to love.. Love unconditional...And waiting for someone is manifestation of that love.
In my younger days when placing long distance calls was a huge chore-- you need to book 'Trunk calls'- it was my duty to wait near the phone. Calls will come from overseas for my parents or from different family members. I always used to sit with a pen and paper to note down points- lest i forget. But my heart was so much into it that seldom a point missed my memory.

But some waits are forever. The wait for recognition. The wait for that elusive yes. The waits have been purely personal or truly professional.. some waits have yielded nothing but pain. Some waits have given spectacular success.There is romanticism behind those waits. Then there is always a perennial type of wait. That sad and fatalistic type of wait.

I wait for peace.
I wait for love.
I will wait for next time..Phir kahin, phir kabhi...I will wait forever....
Let the wait be forever , be eternal and transcend time.....I know it is very hard to wait for something which you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

Songs in my mind and heart

I always had this recurring dream--- there is this large auditorium filled with hundreds of people and I am strumming my guitar and singing song ( written by self). I confined this dream to dustbin quite early in my childhood. During the mandatory music class in school- my teacher used to plead with me-- not to sing. I was that bad. Legend has that I once sang 'ye matire..' in front of school inspectors and they fell sick.
Out of tune, deep bass voice with no melody- that is what even my biggest supporter my ma says. But I always felt I sing beautifully with lots of love.
 I still think- where Mendel's Gene theory went wrong? maybe skipped 1 generation.Because both my parents sing very well. Amrita sings well- she was trained too. So Birsa has some chances - i Guess.

Not to be let down- I pushed myself to speak publicly and never leave an opportunity to speak. I love elocution, debates, turn-coat, extempore speeches and poetic recitations. I only wish I had more opportunities. Ok, this topic- more in separate entry- perhaps!!

Coming back to my interest in songs. I always loved songs, singing never happened, and subsequently I discovered I am equally horrible in dancing. It took Amrita 11 years of patience and more than 12 hours to coach me to dance with her publicly (Thanks to Chotu's wedding!!)- and I guess - I made so many mistakes of steps that she also has given up by now. sigh!!!
But I have never ever given up on singing.

The tunes come to me -- I love western classics, hollywood classics, old hindi songs ( romantic), bhajans, spiritual light music. Sometimes the tune will be embedded in my dreams or suddenly it will haunt me and the moment I get up or get opportunity- I need to hear that song. Youtube is a boon for people like me. Often I will remember 1 or 2 major words or lines- and can search to that song. Sometimes I will pester her with tunes that is roaming freely in my mind and try to sing it out. She says it is impossible, but she has her successes in deciphering too.Sometimes....
Then there are songs which remind me of people, incidents etc. Some songs are special and some are like anthems to me.
Beatles- Imagine, sun is fading away have the power to stop me..
Tu Chaiye, Suhana safar, chukar mere man ko, and so many more- act like taking a time machine.
then- Bailamos--- reminds me of success.
Now that there are apps-- it has become so convenient for me ( 300 + top liked songs, after lots of thoughts/ removing/adding). More so-- my new car can stream using Bluetooth, usb and from online too. That is one feature- which has made my commute and travelling around in Bangalore in traffic so much more bearable. I have now made lists and can quickly jump to them- travel songs (while in airports, flights, trains, buses- long distance), commute time songs, morning prayer songs, etc... When the songs are very nice and I want to share- youtube allows me to share. The feeling is so nice when that shared song plays again and again.

That's it- I have decided that when I am no more- and if they ever hold a memory meeting- noone will be remorseful or sad that day. no, not allowed. They can listen to the songs that i love and smile and feel happy.