When I was first coached on leadership- I was told - it has to be 'servant' leadership. It became a passion to lead people with humility, empathy and with deep kindness. the feeling always comes- despite stringent push backs, the 'behind the back' talk- " you are way too soft", " you are too weak in dealing people". then i tell myself- i need to be kinder, gentler.
But if i really introspect- is it for others or is it for myself?
After the great pandemic ( it is still lurking around, not completely gone)- I think today i went out first time for a movie. I was not for it. the movie was having worst possible review. and anyways- i get defocused on any media- after 30 minutes. unless it is on topic of interest to me- typically history, science/ Physics/Maths or electronics- they can keep me absorbed for hours. nothing else. But a strange thing happened- my sweet blast from past- asked for the link of blog. I am sure- not many readers of this blog. so much so that despite this being public- i pour out my heart in this blog. Simply-- i have understood -- it is like single star in whole universe. Unless you search for it- you won't get it.
Even the ramblings of unnatural sort- does anyone care?
The exchanges are always short and sweet- it helped me to mirror, pause and think. For whom do i write this for? is it for others ( someone in particular- past, present, future?) or just for myself.- The answer was so evident.
It is always-" me & myself".
We are just pretending- like an actor, as a dutiful son, as a loving husband, as a dotting father.... As a patriotic citizen, as a salesman, as an erudite student of marketing-- we are just pretending. We are actually playing for the glory. nothing less, nothing more.
If I just allow myself to be brutally honest- it is always for self that we do. Then we find out a reason , or find out a way to make our-self feel better--- that there is a bigger scheme behind it.
Even though it may sound being in 'recent/recency error' - but if I think of just 10 days back. Maneuvering everything- planning everything- with a quiet belief in heart- 'yehh.... i finally able to do it. finally able to meet..even after 3yr and 5 months'.. it is finally only for me and myself. The mathematician inside me - kept the stopwatch on...from the first wave of hand till the bye....it was exactly 72 minutes. Precious 72 minutes..Very precious to me. All belongs to me and was for myself.
The meetings -- all very organized. The objectives all met- and evening you just go off. is it so easy. Same troublesome feeling of leaving something behind.. Never mind- all memories to myself. I wish that was 172 minutes... nay.. may be more.. too much to ask or dream for.
Then after late night- i had the option to crash on bed. But again just for me- myself. pushed myself to complete that final presentation. Next day- again repeat.
The Tech day for 45 engineering team/ management of the famous OEM went so well. 4 hours-- captivated audience. Often as it happens- at end-mobbed by the customers. That great feeling of being under control. That superior feeling of ' know all'. That back hand compliment from boss- calling me 'prof. sambit'.
15 minutes of fame. Ahh that sweet feeling. Adrenaline rush.Then familiar rush to airport, that desperate attempt to share my joy , the feeling of accomplishment with someone. 90 minutes unconscious sleep in flight.
2 hrs wait on curb side for the cab- then 3 hrs -reaching home. Noone to share, nothing to share. it's all for me & myself.
10 days after-It's a Sunday evening- I still have to complete 2 incentive files before I allow myself to rest. Deadline long gone. Push. for whom? for what? For me. entirely for myself.
