Alone in the crowd

The article in The Hindu reminded that 28th Sept was 130th birth anniversary of T.S. Eliot. And that made me revisit the poems- also the quote from four quartets- jogged my memory a bit....

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting."

After a hectic work week- when I had multiple meetings and little bit more than what is normal-- of my share of having running nose and sneezing-- I was forced to reflect.

How true--- the love and the hope- all are in waiting. You keep doing what you do. Keep laughing loudly, keep encouraging others, keep motivating , keep inspiring but then-- for a moment- when you close your eyes and need all of them to come back to you-- you feel that familiar anxiety. That anxiety of being loner.Somewhere that helpless feeling of being very lonely.

You love, you engage-- passionately. You sing the songs, listen to the raindrops at night and suddenly feel very lonely. You cannot describe-- what you want.

The tempest around you blows off, the splashing road by the car- ceases.....You start sharing then give up...thinking it is of not much importance.

It is important for me to speak, to tell-- my innermost fears- the dark and not so dark side of my story, but there is no caring soul to be bothered.

Why should anyone bother?

The feeling haunts---finally I am not that important. All actions are just coming out of my sense of duty. My duty as a son, husband, father, friend, leader....

The meetings draw on and on-- you keep giving enthusiastic inputs. some will be taken up, most will not be.

The forwards and chats- keep happening... some write one word.. i reply in multiple paragraphs. Some have to just indicate.. and I will be all over.. helping, talking...laughing, smiling.

But then the behaviour will not be replicated.

Then it is like- you sit in room full of crowd and you are still lonely.You command your presence, push the agenda forward, but then you are lonely.  After a while you return to your book, share the notes, but then find around you-- everyone fixated at screens or fixated with themselves. That is the point when you feel the fun. You can get away from all that and not a single soul will miss you. you feel not important. It is too much of give and take in every interactions.

Then I feel- I stop.... maybe it is too much enthusiasm, too much love for life. Let me be alone .. so what.. we are en consed in crowd. The murmur becomes shouting and then you raise a point and people suddenly look at you. The pointer was always there.. then you feel half of the room was feeling why they didnot propose the same. You smile inside. You weep in private. then you decide... no more I will take myself so seriously.

You keep waiting in crowd--- lonely and tired... hoping for love and hope..